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filksongs and pietry


This is the HTML version of my current filkbook, less the works in progress and less chording. It contains a good chunk of the stuff that I've written in the past 10 years or so; most of the filks that I've written before that only exist in hardcopy in my basement and will be typed in realsoonnow, others exist only as instafilks in Usenet archives somewhere (you may be able to find them if you do a search in rec.music.filk or alt.music.filk on Google).

You are hereby given explicit permission to copy, sing, enjoy and pass around the lyrics for non-commercial use only, provided I'm properly credited (and if you put them in a 'zine or on a web page, I'd appreciate a copy or the URL). If you want to make commercial use of this stuff then A) you have no taste at all and B) you need to contact me first. I can be reached via email at phydeaux@liii.com.

Special thanks to Rob Wynne for converting some of my songs to MP3. The MP3s aren't online anymore (too much space), but RealAudio files are. You can find them in sounds.
BETTER READ THAN DEAD -- Songs About Books and Literature
A Fire Upon the Deep
Neverwhere
City on Fire
Ozymandias
A Deepness in the Sky
La Belle Dame Sans Merci
Building A History
Just A Boy Named Harry
The Prisoner of Chillon
Banned From Mordor
THE COMPUTER ROOM -- Songs About Computers
Documentation
The Ghost in the Machine
A Song for AOL and Demon
Net.Sex.Overload
Software Hacker's Prayer
The System Engineers' Anthem
Teach Your Users
Very Wishful Thinking
Surf This Web
Programmers' Waltz
Why You Can't Get alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spam
Hacker's Revenge
404: Not Found
Video Killed the Internet
GHOST STORIES & DEAD THINGS -- Songs About The (Un)dead
Dawson's Game Show
Dead Fuzzies
Ghost Piggies in the Sty
Too Much of a Bad Thing
Marvin the Android's Ghost
Very Bad Company (Feel Like Drinking Blood
VAXymandius
Demon Storm
Ha! For the Death of Time
Never Set the World on Fire
Deceiver
SPACE CASES & SCIENCE LABS -- Songs About Space & Science
A Cautionary Tale
The Engines on the Ship
The Greatest Set of Glasses That Ever Were
History of Physics 101: The Atom
Cremains
Starbound Escape
Destiny's Shore
The Gift I Would Give
Guiding Star
Men of Iron, Women of Steel
Carving the Dawn
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG FAN -- Songs About Fandom
Don't Buy That Button
Driving Down Through New Jersey
Filk Up Your Voices
Filksong Junkie
Sixteen 'Zines
Second Thoughts
No Filker's Land
Lucky Fan
Idiot! What Were You Thinking!?
When the GM Smiles, It's Too Late
Filking Time
Just a SMOF She Said
Closer to Fan
The Filkers Dance
SINGIN' THE BOOZE -- Songs About Food and Drinking
Geek's Drinking Song
Lullaby For A Beery Fan
Relax, Don't Worry, Have a Homebrew
The Brain Dead Bunch
Leftover Hell
STUFF WHAT HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE! -- Songs That Don't Fit Anywhere Else
L.A, April 30th, 1992
Minus 10 and Freezing
Pirate Flag Rising
Political Science 101
Sacking of the Sloop John B.
4 AM
Why I Hate to Shop
Pikachu, I See You!
The Masturbation Tango
The Battle
Dream Rider
Cognitive Dissonance
Sunlight and Sea
The Future Isn't...
The Smile in Your Eyes
STOP THE SHOW, I WANT TO GET OFF! -- Show Stoppers and Short Bits
Show Stopper #37B
The Programmers Breakfast Chant
Star Fleet's Redshirts
E.T.'s Song
Bored With Argo
Soylent Green
I Don't Know
Impasse
Exxon-Valdeez
Three Fried Mice
I'd Like to Teach the Con to Sing
The Very Small Arachnid
Coda
Depressing
Blowin' on the Hill
The Atom's Family
The Bride of Chanur

BETTER READ THAN DEAD


(Songs About Books and Literature)

A FIRE UPON THE DEEP


Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: David Weingart © 1992
Inspired by Vernor Vinge's A Fire Upon The Deep

There's a fire upon the deep
There's something that's awaiting it's Transcendence
A Power lying silent in it's keep
Like children they will stumble on and rouse it
From ancient sleep
And there's a fire upon the deep

There's a fire upon the skies
Two children torn apart in war and violence
Each other dead before their sibling's eyes
And promises of hope and love and safety
A pack of lies
And there's a fire upon skies

There's a fire upon the night
A silence from the top is reaching downward
There's something hiding there in plainest sight
And all that they would love is fallen victim
To deadly blight
And there's a fire upon the night

There's a fire upon the land
Power vies with power in the darkness
The weak will fall before the stronger hand
But still the thing it seeks slips through it's fingers
Like grains of sand
And there's a fire upon the land

There's a silence upon the deep
No more the fire rages in the Transcend
A sacrifice returns it to its keep
But some day one will stumble on and rouse it
From ancient sleep
And there'll be fire upon the deep
There'll be fire upon the deep

Back to Table of Contents

NEVERWHERE


Words: Dave Weingart © 1998
Music: Dave Weingart © 1998
Inpsired by Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere

Neverwhere!
Neverwhen!
Neverwho!

I walk down the street through a door thrown open wide
The world I knew is on the other side
It seems they're blind who once could see
My life is now a shade
In some unreality
For the choice that I have made

     Neverwhere am I going, neverwhere have have I been?
     Neverwhen will I understand the things that I've seen?
     Neverwho am I now, am I a man or a dream?
     Another soul down Below in Neverwhere

I follow the track of the only two I know
I slip through the cracks to the city down Below
As Above is so Below
Different, yet the same
Death stalks, waiting ev'ry turn
Release me from the game

     Neverwhere am I going, neverwhere have have I been?
     Neverwhen will I understand the things that I've seen?
     Neverwho am I now, am I a man or a dream?
     Another soul down Below in Neverwhere

          I don't know who I can trust, plans are within plans
          Who the door and who the key? Who angel, beast or man?
          A challenge answered saves my life, and brings me to my death
          But still I draw the hunter's knife, draw courage, draw my breath

I fight back to the life that I once knew
To find I cannot live with what is true
The world above, I cast aside
No longer it's for me
I'll roam Below with hunter's pride
And know that I must be

     Neverwhere am I going, neverwhere have have I been?
     Neverwhen will I understand the things that I've seen?
     Neverwho am I now, am I a man or a dream?
     Nevermore, I now belong to neverwhere

Neverwhere!
Neverwhen!
Neverwho!

Back to Table of Contents

CITY ON FIRE


Words: David Weingart © 1998
Music: David Weingart © 1998
Inspired by Walter Jon Williams' City on Fire

There's a city on fire and a burning man walks
There's no pity in the pyre where the Hanged Man stalks
Try understand the power and the fight that's fought
While the people hide and cower from the world you've wrought
     And the plasm-fire runs from the Shield above
     And the mage-power held in the iron glove
     There's a city on fire and a burning man walks

There's a city on fire and a burning man walks
There's no pity in the pyre where the Hanged Man stalks
Though they're giving to you everything they have to give
You can't tell the ones you trust they have the right to live
     In the light shining down from the sky and Shield
     Where the choice that you have is to die or yield
     There's a city on fire and a burning man walks

          Where the war is aflame you can't trust your friends
          Where the fire goes on, and it never ends
          Where the light covers all of the city skies
          Where the Hanged Man strikes and the sinner dies

There's a city on fire and a burning man walks
There's no pity in the pyre where the Hanged Man stalks
There is glory at the bottom, there is death above
There is is danger in the choice of who you dare to love
     And the sky is a cage and it locks you in
     To a place where you die far from home and kin
     There's a city on fire and a burning man walks

          And your life circles round to the plasm-well
          And you find you are bound in a private hell
          And the choice that you make is a hopeless cry
          And the trap is sprung and the Hanged Man dies

There's a city on fire and a burning man walks
There's no pity in the pyre where the Hanged man stalks
There's a city on fire and a burning man walks
There's no pity in the pyre where the Hanged man stalks
There's a city on fire and a burning man walks

Back to Table of Contents

OZYMANDIAS



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: David Weingart © 1999
Inspired by Percy Bysshe Shelley's Ozymandias

Long years and I was younger, a stranger did I see
A traveller from a far and antique land
Who told a tale of wonder and a tale of mystery
Of a statue standing broken on the sand

No city, town or village around is known to stand
The statue holds its silent watch alone
And nothing left to tell who gave the sculptor his commands
To have these words engraved upon the stone

CHORUS
     "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings
     See my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
     But nothing yet remains 'round those lifeless things
     The desert stretches level, vast and bare

There are no legends told by Man of who he once had been
No tales of hope and glory that are known
The only mark on Time's long sands the sculptor's eye read keen
By arrogance upon the features shown

And I must hold my memory in silence
Must walk the empty ages all alone
For once I ruled a city and commanded
To have these words engraved upon the stone

CHORUS

The lone and level sands stretch out before me
The starlight glitters coldly from the sky
The gods have given justice without pity
I cannot live, I cannot ever die

For all I once created, for all I once had done
Lies buried as the desert sands have blown
My world lies dead, my statue is the marker
The epitaph engraved upon the stone

CHORUS

FINAL CHORUS
     My name was Ozymandias, King of Kings
     I look upon that desert and despair
     For I know as the ages pass that all I've wrought
     Is solid as a smoke ring in the air

Back to Table of Contents

A DEEPNESS IN THE SKY



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: David Weingart © 1999
Inspired by Vernor Vinge's A Deepness in the Sky

I know that you are out there
I'll touch you if I try
I will find the way to reach you
In the deepness in the sky

Your mind is focused somewhere
Your own reality
I will learn the way to touch you
And draw you out to me

     The secrets that are hiding
     I don't know what they're worth
     But I'll find the way to have them
     And wrest them from the earth

I see you out there somewhere
You're not part of my plan
I will track you down and hunt you
I will catch you if I can

I don't know what you look like
I don't know what your crime
Stranded in the darkness
That is frozen out of time

     The night goes on forever
     An unknown mystery
     We will brave the Dark together
     And walk infinity

The day comes when I touch you
I see you as you are
We are not so diff'rent, you and I
In the dark night of the star

The truth is out there somewhere
We'll find it if we try
We'll walk the stars together
From a deepness in the sky

Back to Table of Contents

LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI


Words: Dave Weingart © 1999
Music: Dave Weingart © 1999
Inspired by John Keats' La Belle Dame Sans Merci

A lady met I once ago
Was beauty's image she
Who looked at me with wild eyes
And told that she loves me

A faery child once ago
Who told she loves me true
I kissed her once and twice and more
And told I love her too

CHORUS
     La Belle Dame sans Merci
     She has me in her power
     For all eternity
     I'm locked away in her heart's tower

I set her on my pacing steed
A journey far and free
My faery child's love she spoke
In the song she sang for me

She took me to an elfin place
Beyond the world of Man
The lady wept and sighed at me
I gently took her hand

CHORUS

She took me quiet into dreams
I ever dreamed before
Princes and kings with broken eyes
A silent message bore

"The lady has a slave of you!"
In horrid warning cried
And I awoke and found me here
Upon the cold, cold hill's side

CHORUS

Back to Table of Contents

BUILDING A HISTORY

(The Creative Cycle, Part 3)


Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: Building a Mystery (Sarah McLachlan)

You wanted to write
To where the storyline goes
Through the blackest night
Where the vampires roam
How did they get there?
For the readers, you'll show 'em
How they rose after they had died
And from whence they came
You're building a history

A desolate church
Where they do their sacrifice
In a power-hungry search
For the gods of no light
They wear sandals and dark robes
Spilling blood that won't wash away
And you scribble down your prose
Making your dreamworld realer every day

It's so sinister
With a spell and a charm, and
So detailed, what you've written down

CHORUS
     'Cause you're writing
     Building a history
     Plotting on, and filling it in
     Yeah, you're writing
     Building a history
     And choosing words carefully

You make up the ancient prayers
And the rites to the demon gods
How they feed off our blood
And bring us to tears, oh
You put in the backfill
With a know-it-all view
That makes it all real
Now it all seems true

It so beautiful
A beautful, detailed world
Hint at what your
Readers can infer

CHORUS

Back to Table of Contents

JUST A BOY NAMED HARRY



Words: David Weingart © 2000
Music: David Weingart © 2000
Inspired by J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

I never knew my parents, they died when I was small
And my uncle and my aunt who raised me had no love at all
All my life I've waited, just trying to get by
In a world where I'm not wanted, in a place I cannot fly

Then upon my birthday, wondrous and strange
Magic came into my life and things began to change
And they tell me that I'm famous for something that I did
But I'm just a boy named Harry, an ordinary kid

CHORUS
     There is magic in the sky, there is magic in the wood
     There is magic strong in darkness and stronger still in good
     There is magic in the sorrow and magic in the joy
     And magic in the heart of a boy

I feel like I belong here but I wonder if they know
Can they see the fear that's in my eyes, does my hesitation show?
Most of them accept me and most are just like me
And most of them are frightened of the parts they cannot see

They cannot know what happened in the dawning of my life
They cannot see the the emptiness that cuts me like a knife
They only see a legend as I learn to be a man
But I'm just a boy named Harry and I'll do the best I can

CHORUS

All my life I've waited, just trying to get by
But now I've learned about myself, now I've learned to fly
And to friends and those who love me it doesn't matter what I did
To them I'm just plain Harry, an ordinary kid.

Back to Table of Contents

THE PRISONER OF CHILLON



Words: David Weingart © 2000
Music: David Weingart © 2000
Inspired by Lord Byron's poem The Prisoner of Chillon

My hair is grey, but not with years
My head is is dyed by a thousand tears
Seven, we who paid this price
For faith, our lives to sacrifice

Two by fire, two by field
For belief they would not yield
Three put into dark Chillon
On the shore of lac Lèman

Seven pillars of Gothic mould
In Chillon's dungeons, deep and old
With iron rings so dark and round
To hold the chains where I am bound

Brothers three kept in this place
We could not see each other's face
Buried fast in prison stone
Near at hand, yet each alone
     In Hell
     In Chillon's cell

My brother could not bear to be
Apart from where he once was free
Upon the rocky mountainside
He could not live, and so he died

I begged to them his corpse to lay
Where he could see the light of day
They laughed and carved a shallow grave
Inside the cold earth of our cave
     So chill
     Emprisoned still

     My final brother there with me (in Chillon's walls and)
     His spirit, too, could not be free (and though I called him)
     He withered there without a groan (his night had fallen)
     And then I truly was alone
          In dark and cold
          My tale thus told

What befell me there and then
I knew not either where or when
Until a birdsong to me came
To wipe the darkness from my brain

And from the window, barred and high
I gazed upon my countryside
From mountain high with peaks of snow
Unto the rushing Rhone below
     Revealed
     Their blood has sealed
     Shall never yield
     This battlefield

They came at last to set me free
But what cared I for liberty?
For those I loved or felt of worth
Were dead and buried in the Earth
     And stone

Back to Table of Contents

BANNED FROM MORDOR



Words: David Weingart © 2001
Music: Banned From Argo (Leslie Fish)

When we walked into Mordor's landscape to destroy the Ring
We didn't know just what we'd do the toss the goddam thing
We had some expectation of the stuff that we would see
But soon found out that we were just as wrong as we could be

CHORUS
     And we're banned from Mordor, yes it's true
     Banned from Mordor mow that Sauron's reign is through
     We had hellish walk, it seemed to last a year or more
     Now Mordor doesn't want us anymore

Our guide, he was the sneaky sort, a nasty little creep
He'd just as soon as throttle you as guard you in your sleep
He led us down a secret path, the only way to go
And said the World Wide Web was something we would come to know

CHORUS

The orcs in Minas Morgul were a pleasant little bunch
They gave us clothes, a place to stay and then they fed us lunch
But still they had their problems, and it left us all in tears
To see a bunch of soldiers fighting over souvenirs

CHORUS

We made it to the mountain and up to the Crack of Doom
And when the Ring went into it we heard a mighty boom
Now what did we forget to do for when the Ring was gone?
A way out was a thing we couldn't put our finger on

CHORUS

We hobbits can do many things, we're hale and hearty souls
We like to keep things tidy in our Shire and our holes
(So) we're sorry for the earthquakes and the lava and the mess
We fly for home today, at least, so don't get too depressed!

CHORUS

Back to Table of Contents

THE COMPUTER ROOM


(Songs About Computers)

DOCUMENTATION



Words: David Weingart © 1988
Music: "Waltzing Matilda" (A. B. Peterson)
Once a software hacker sat down at a terminal
Logged his account on the UNIX HP
And he heard as he sat and he spawned the vi editor
"You'll write to MIL 1644 B!"

     Documentation, documentation
     "You'll document all your software for me"
     And he heard as he sat and he spawned the vi editor
     "You'll write to MIL 1644 B!"

Behind the hacker was a man from SQA
Looked at the hacker and grinned evilly
And he said as he stood and watched the hacker write his code
"You'll write to MIL 1644B!"

     Documentation, documentation
     "You'll document all your software for me"
     And he said as he stood and watched the hacker write his code
     "You'll write to MIL 1644 B!"

Up jumped the hacker; leapt into the 9-track drive
"Nary a comment shall you get from me!"
But his ghost may be heard as you log on to the System 5
"You'll write to MIL 1644B!"

     Documentation, documentation
     "You'll document all your software for me"
     But his ghost may be heard as you log on to the System 5
     "You'll write to MIL 1644 B!"

Back to Table of Contents

THE GHOST IN THE MACHINE


Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "The Cat Came Back" (Harry S. Miller)

Old Johnny Hacker, he was really in a jam
He had a buggy program that was using all his RAM
He tried and tried to figure out a fix
He gave it to a programmer who knew a lot of tricks

CHORUS:
     But the bug came back the very next day
     The bug came back; they thought it was a virus
     'Cause the bug came back . It just wouldn't go away

A hacker from the network swore he'd fix the bug off-site
He brought it home and hacked at it all day and all the night
He programmed and he programmed just to get a workaround
The program on a floppy disk was all they ever found

CHORUS

He gave it to systems expert with a Post-it note
Which told her to make sure and check each comma and each quote
She recompiled each module and she checked each line of code
And they never saw her log back in on any network node

CHORUS

He called in a consultant who said she could make it work
For two hundred bucks an hour she would find that bloody quirk
Well he groaned and wrote the check out and he sat her in a chair
And they found the check still sitting; the consultant wasn't there

CHORUS

So the program was shipped out to the Department of Defense
Which put it into to SDI, a project most immense
And the program started World War III and dropped a thousand bombs
And the human race was wiped out, all those fathers, kids and moms

CHORUS

Back to Table of Contents

A SONG FOR AOL & DEMON



Words: David Weingart © 1996
Music: "Voices Carry" ('Til Tuesday)

Every day I try to get online
For there's information I want to find
Oh there must be something that I can do, there must be a way
When I try to have my modem get through, why does it say

CHORUS:
     Tough luck, system's down now
     Slowly buried
     Tough luck, system's down now
     Slowly buried

I try so hard not to get upset
Even though I am cut off the 'Net
Support says that they're working it out, I just want to scream
And I wish at least my mail would go out, it's like a bad dream

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
     Frustrated
     It's like I'm wasting my time
     Degraded
     Why can't I just get online?

CHORUS (repeat and fade)

Back to Table of Contents

NET.SEX.OVERLOAD



Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (Deep Blue Something)

You've found
The MUD of Tutankham's Tomb
And IRC and chat rooms
And now we're torn apart
I think
The 'net has come between us
Your modem is between us
For realspace you don't care

CHORUS:
     So I said, "What about sex on the Internet?"
     She said, "I think I have logged on that site
     And as I recall I tried the chat room and liked it."
     So I said, "Well that's better than not."

At one time
You biblically knew me
Now you type sexy to me
I guess this has to do
Although
It's not the same as real life
But you don't have a real life
You'd rather type than screw

CHORUS

Back to Table of Contents

SOFTWARE HACKER'S PRAYER



Words: Dave Weingart © 1989
Music: "Rocket Rider's Prayer" (Steve Savitzky)

When the system's dead before us like a pile of high-tech junk
And we've got one week to deadline or our jobs will all be sunk
And those changes and revisions growing greater ev'ry day
It's about this time we realize that all we can do is pray

CHORUS:
     So we'll pray to Brian Kernighan and to Dennis Ritchie too
     And the gods of C and UNIX who will help us to make do
     Oh you gods of Bell and System V you have us in your care
     We hope that you will listen to a software hacker's prayer

Our first prayer goes to Hestia, goddess of the hearth and home
Since we're living with these terminals (at least until we're done)
Won't you aid us as we program and please help to save the lives
Of our college co-op students who've spilled coffee on the drives

CHORUS

Our next prayer's to Mnemosyne, goddess of all memory
Since we've only got 8 meg and we have got to keep half free
Won't you aid us with the problem that us keeping us here nights
And please find some place for us to put another million bytes

CHORUS

We'll be supplicants of Hermes, mighty god of things that speed
Can't you find it for to help us in our hour of deepest need?
Won't you please speed our compiler, so we don't sit on the dock
And then maybe give a boost to our computer's central clock?

CHORUS

Our final prayer we send to the Erinyes down in Hell
Where we hope that they will hear us and then take revenge as well
We would like to see them spend some time in chasing down the one
Who'll come in with more revisions just about the time we're done!

CHORUS

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THE SYSTEM ENGINEER'S ANTHEM



Words: Dave Weingart © 1990
Music: "Rolling Down to Old Maui" (traditional)

(A brief historical note: every line of this song is sadly true)

The system stands here at our hands and the schedule's really tight
Though overtime can be sublime betcha we'll be here all night
The sell-off date is three weeks late and the hardware is on drugs
The interface has been debased and the software's full of bugs

CHORUS:
     We're the system engineers, me lads, the system engineers
     We've lost our brains and we're half insane
     We're the system engineers

The program runs 'til the morning sun fades into the pale moonlight
Then it bombs again at ten PM and fills our hearts with fright
Both push and pop cause program stop, it's hopeless, we confess
From Turbo C to assembly this software is a mess

CHORUS

The floppies whirred, a sound was heard that dropped us to the floor
We crashed the heads and the mylar shreds came out the disk drive door
A power surge just had the urge to kick the system hard
That one quick blip from the power strip took out our graphics card

CHORUS

The file space has been erased and the BIOS has been trashed
Our MS-DOS is a total loss and the hard drive heads have crashed
The CPU is smoking too, and the coprocessor's died
We've lost all track of the memory stack and the motherboard is fried

CHORUS

I need a bheer, why are we here, enslaved to our paychecks
We waste our time, trying to design our code to worthless specs
The hardware smokes and the system chokes each time we try to edit
Even if it works, we'll feel like jerks, 'cause our boss will get the credit

CHORUS

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TEACH YOUR USERS



Words: David Weingart © 1994
Music: "Teach Your Children" (Graham Nash)

You
Who are writing code
Must have a node that you can hack on

And so
Your program grows
With ev'ry module that you tack on

Teach
Your users well
Programming hell does slowly go by

And give
Them all the docs
The ones to read and the ones they'll go by

CHORUS:
     But you never can deny
     When the program starts to die
     You'll just look at it and sigh
     And know it's buggy

And u-
sers all in tears
You have your fears of losing data

(And so please) help
Them understand
That you won't stand for fixes "later"

Teach
The coders well
A user's hell does slowly go by

And tell
Them all the bugs
The ones that bomb and kill the disk drive

CHORUS

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VERY WISHFUL THINKING




Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "Wishful Thinking" (Verse: Peter Theissen, Chorus: "Pretty Redwing" (Traditional))

Ooooooh
I used to have scary nightmares about my poor PC
With viruses that tried to kill my Lotus 1-2-3
But now I have no worries, my system will be clean
I've got a little buddy who's protecting my machine
There's a little green network hacker who came from cyberspace
He watches the computers of the whole darn human race
So if Bad Boy, Dark Avenger or Michelangelo
Tries to infect my system, into action he will go

     I'll be saved by the little green network hacker
     He'll teach a lesson; give indigestion
     To those people into virus messin'
     The little green hacker saves my PC

Sooooooo
I won't lose any bytes and bits, I won't lose After Dark
I will not trash my files when the hard drive tries to park
No virus will attack me in the middle of a write
So now I don't get frightened when the monitor won't light

     I believe in the little green network hacker
     Without him out there I would be so scared
     I told all my co-workers; they don't care
     They all use Norton and they think I'm nuts

Oooooooh
The day they get infected, they'll get a big surprise
When all their files are corrupted right before their eyes
But mine won't be affected, I bet that they'll be sore
That I don't need to use an anti-virus anymore

     Just because of the little green network hacker
     No backups needed or files treated
     And since he's there the virus'll be defeated
     And I'll be happy 'til my PC dies
     Yes I'll be happy 'til my hard disk fries

Back to Table of Contents

SURF THIS WEB



Words: David Weingart © 1995
Music: Walk This World (Heather Nova)

I have logged on to the system and I let the data flow
I have accessed all the pages of people that I know
I have files on the disk drive that is full as it can be
I want you to come surf this Web with me
     With the bytes in our wires we IRC
     Holding on and on while we retrieve
     I am stuck on HTTP
     I want you to come surf this Web with me

And I'm sucked in by the Usenet, and I'm flamed out with the lies
And I scan a GIF to inline and I link your page to mine
And I've URLs to help me telnet and I've URLs to FTP
I want you to come surf this Web with me
     With the bytes in our wires we IRC
     Holding on and on while we retrieve
     With the bytes in our wires we IRC
     I am stuck on HTTP
     I want you to come, I want you to come
     I want you to come surf this Web with me

And it's accessing the image and it's groaning with the load
And security is broken and the version rev is old
But I see you in my Netscape, and I ping your PPP
I want you to come surf this Web with me
     With the bytes in our wires we IRC
     Holding on and on while we retrieve
     With the bytes in our wires we IRC
     I am stuck on HTTP
     Just to touch you with TCP
     I want you to come, I want you to come
     I want you to come surf this Web with me

Back to Table of Contents

PROGRAMMER'S WALTZ



Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: "Witnesses's Waltz" (Leslie Fish)

CHORUS:
     Twelve thousand, half million, million or more
     Pages of printout that cover the floor
     Work overtime 'til we barely can stand
     To write all the software the users demand

Oh come along coders and hackers and geeks
Stick to the specs that you've hated for weeks
Type in your source code and wait for a while
And we'll chug down the Jolt as the system compiles

CHORUS

It's the bugs in your code that you don't want to see
As they quickly scroll up off your desk CRT
One wrong semi-colon, one line out of place
And the whole bloody program ends up lost in space

CHORUS

Supervisors ignore us, and customers too
But if they don't notice, the schedulers do
Hear them scream on the phone as we tell them to wait
'Cause the program they need is "a week or two" late

CHORUS

So come, let's go rewrite our programs today
While the world's biggest disk failure clears them away
We'll drink lots of coffee, on Fritos we'll munch
From eleven 'til two we will all go to lunch

Back to Table of Contents

WHY YOU CAN'T GET ALT.BINARIES.PICTURES.EROTICA.SPAM



Words: Dave Weingart, © 1997
Music: "The Irish Washerwoman" (traditional)

There are binary groups and they clog up the net
And they often are spam and can be hard to get
For the sysadmins don't want 10 gig, you can bet
There are binary groups and they clog up the net

You can get them in alt if your ISP does
If they don't, you will find that it's often becuz
They are too bloody big, and they're too full of scuzz
And they clog up the disks and they make them go buzz

If you really must get out a binary file
Put it onto a website and people will smile
And your sysadmin will not be cross for a while
And the users won't fill up your inbox with bile

There are binary groups and they clog up the net
And they often are spam and can be hard to get
For the sysadmins don't want 10 gig, you can bet
There are binary groups and they clog up the net

Back to Table of Contents

HACKER'S REVENGE



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Don't Push That Button" (Duane Elms)

Now, when I was a young boy I liked to go and see
And figure out the way things really worked
My parents disapproved of my curiosity.
My hackish nature really got them irked
But given thirty seconds I'd tear a thing apart.
Like pigs to mud I couldn't stay away
It probably was breaking my dear old mother's heart
When I would go up to her and I'd say

CHORUS:
     I pushed that button! Golly, Mom, I pushed that button.
     Caused no harm
     It's got to have a purpose or else it would be hid
     I'll just R.T.F.M. and then I'll find out what I did
     I pushed that button! Golly, Mom, I pushed that button.
     Caused no harm
     Designers have their reasons for everything they does
     I'll hack until I figure what it was

One day my house was busted by half a dozen feds.
They took my modem right out of my room
The Pentagon & White House were drooling for my head
For hacking with the Legionnaires of Doom
Okay, so I was careless, I know that I was bad.
Next time I'll hack AT&T instead
And then they wanted any explanation that I had
I just looked at my mother and I said

CHORUS

Now, when the saucer landed I knew I had to try
And figure out whatever made it go
I really was excited that I could make it fly
And land it on the planet you'll soon know
I landed in the city, right in the central square
Upon pillar decked in gold and red
They took me to their leader; I left without a care
For this is what their High Controller said

Spoken<: Congratulations, Earthling. You have proven yourself worthy by your quick decision making and hacker's soul. We will prepare you for your ultimate destiny...

It's been a year or two now since last I came to Earth.
My Mom and Dad are in for a surprise!
The saucer fleet I'm leading is cause for all my mirth
I'm sure that they just won't believe their eyes
I'll land it down in DC, and carve myself a mark
And blast the city into molten lead
I'll hack whatever suits me. The planet now is mine!
And never will they dare to piss off Fred!

FINAL CHORUS
     I pushed that button! Golly, Mom, I pushed that button.
     Worked a charm
     Despite your interference I figured out its worth
     And now I'm coming back to be the ruler of the Earth!
     I pushed that button! Don't you know I pushed that button
     (Way to go!)
     My lucky star is shining. You mark the words I've said
     For now the planet Earth it run by Fred
     Yes, you'll wish that you had seen the last of Fred!

Back to Table of Contents

404: NOT FOUND



Words: David Weingart © 1997
Music: "307 Ale" (Tom Smith)

There's pages you will see, me lads, on every site you hit
There's "Marilynne's Bedroom," "JezzieCam Live!" and piles of other...stuff
There's net and edu, org and com, and sites the whole world 'round
And the most annoying thing you'll see
Is 404: Not Found, me lads, 404: Not Found.

CHORUS:
     404: Not found, me lads, 404: Not found
     The document that you have tried to access ain't around
     Oh the network may be slow and dead
     Or the server may be down
     A thing seen often on the Web
     Is 404: Not found, me lads, 404: not found.

It started out in Switzerland at a little lab called CERN
Where a couple of the physicists would share what they had learned
They coded up a protocol they called http
And they never dreamed how often people afterwards would see

CHORUS

They let it out upon the world to see what it could do
But they didn't count on overload by sev'ral powers of two
A couple bytes per packet lost and things start running slow
Then timeout hits and on your screen this message starts to show

CHORUS

I do my best, type the address, see what few bits I glean
And what I mutter 'neath my breath quite frankly is obscene
It takes a while to find a file, I don't know who's to blame
But I'm sick of that error code and so I wrote this flame!

CHORUS

There's many pages you will see, at least if you get through
Two hundred thousand access tries the same time just as you
A host is moved, or can't be used, or maybe it's just fate
And if you don't believe it try to use the World Wide Wait!

FINAL CHORUS
     404: Not found, me lads, 404: Not found
     The document that you have tried to access ain't around
     Oh the network may be slow and dead
     Or the server may be down
     You see it 'til you're raging red
     And you wonder where your data's fled
     There's nothing makes you hate the Web
     Like 404: Not found

Back to Table of Contents

VIDEO KILLED THE INTERNET



Words: David Weingart © 1997
Music: Video Killed the Radio Star (the Buggles)

I hooked my modem up at 28.8
I hoped to get my data at a rapid rate
But all that I could do was sit around and wait
Oh-ah-no

The net was bogging down with voice telephony
With animated GIFs and Web-based IRC
And worse than all of these was Internet TV

(Oh-ah-no) I could not get through
(Oh-ah-no) What has it come to?

CHORUS:
     Video is an Internet hog
     Video is an Internet hog

Pictures came and spammed the net (Oh-a-on-no-no)

And now the data barely ever seems to flow
You watch the download you kicked off so long ago
Because some luser wants a video to show

(Oh-a-no) It was the worst flaw
(Oh-a-no) It was the last straw

CHORUS


Pictures came and killed the net
And made my data hard to get
(Oh-a-no-no-no Oh-a-no-no-no)

CHORUS

Pictures came and spammed the net
And made my data hard to get
So slow as might well be dead
Put the blame on (the) World Wide Web

Too hard to fight all these hogs

CHORUS TO FADE

Back to Table of Contents

GHOST STORIES & DEAD THINGS


(Songs About the (Un)Dead

DAWSON'S GAME SHOW



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "Dawson's Christian" (Duane Elms)

Richard Dawson was the emcee of a show called "Family Feud"
And he cluttered up the airwaves every day on channel 2
Now a game show is the lowest entertainment you can name
And this show of Richard Dawson's was the same

There'd be soaps on channel 7 and a talk show down on 5
And some twit on 9 insisting JFK was still alive
If they went to a commercial I'd reach out to click the dial
Just to watch the families feuding for a while

No one living is that stupid and no brain that quick to leave
And they'd come across with answers that no sane man could believe
I would watch as those two families would try and match the crowd
But it seemed no working brain cells were allowed
Yes it seemed no working neurons were allowed

     You can talk of "Concentration" You can talk of "Joker's Wild"
     You can talk of "Wheel of Fortune" and of Vanna's silly smile
     But the lowest of the game shows with no positives imbued
     Was this show of Richard Dawson's, "Family Feud"
     Yes this show of Richard Dawson's, "Family Feud"

It was second day vacation, I was vegging on the chair
And was flicking through the channels seeing what was on the air
There was nothing much to watch on that most uneventful day
When a horrid sight jumped out into my way

Now to me there was no question for the sets were all the same
And the only detail different was the emcees different name
I was almost disbelieving at the madness that I viewed
But it's true; they'd resurrected "Family Feud"

First I thought it just a rerun but that didn't seem quite right
Then I hoped it just a sitcom but no ending was in sight
Then a ghostly image flickered on my television screen
And appeared a glowing, spectral family team

     And the stranger team was dumber than all teams I'd seen before
     And the audience was horrid and the host a crashing bore
     As they battled for the prizes my jaw dropped in disbelief
     And the answers that they gave brought no relief
     No the answers that they gave brought no relief

Just as quickly as it started then the feuding was all done
For the points had all been counted and the ghostly team had won
So the audience was cheering; the announcer talking loud
When another ghost appeared within the crowd

'Twas that British-sounding accent that had always sounded fake
With the "Hogan's Heroes" uniform there could be no mistake
And he french-kissed every female that was there upon the stage
Sending all the husbands out into a rage

Then instead of rolling credits, "Family Feud" began to fade
First the teams, then the announcer and the sets for which they paid
And as the scoreboard disappeared the last to slip from view
Was the ghost of Richard Dawson and his feud
Yes the ghost of Richard Dawson and his feud

     You can talk of "Concentration" You can talk of "Joker's Wild"
     You can talk of "Wheel of Fortune" and of Vanna's silly smile
     But the lowest of the game shows with no positives imbued
     Was this show of Richard Dawson's, "Family Feud"
     Yes this show of Richard Dawson's, "Family Feud"

Back to Table of Contents

DEAD FUZZIES



Words: Dave Weingart © 1993
Music: "Dead Puppies" (The Ogden Edsel Band)

Dead fuzzies
Dead fuzzies
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

They don't "yeek" when you call
They don't chase land-prawns at all
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

My fuzzy died late last spring
He was mashed by a damnthing
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

My fuzzies spirit's been set free
Won't ever want more "esteefee"
Dead fuzzie aren't much fun

Dead fuzzies (dead dead dead)
Dead fuzzies
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

Dead fuzzies
Dead (dead dead dead) fuzzies
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

(One more time for Victor Grego!)

Dead fuzzies
Dead (dead dead dead) fuzzies
Dead fuzzies aren't much fun

Back to Table of Contents

GHOST PIGGIES IN THE STY



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Ghost Riders in the Sky" (???)

An old time farmer did his chores one hot and dusty day
He planted crops and milked the cows and fed the horses hay
When suddenly among the hogs he saw a ghostly sight
A dozen porkers glowing with a pale demonic light

CHORUS
     Soowee-iy-ay! Soowee-iy-oh!
     Ghost piggies in the sty

Their tails were curled, their noses flat, their backs all caked with mud
The scene was so unearthly that the cow spit out her cud
The farmer dropped the pail of slops and called out for his wife
For never had he seen such things in all his farming life

CHORUS

The ghostly pigs went to the trough and straightaway they fed
An appetite unearthly for the ungulate undead
They ate the slops contained therein and started on the barn
The farmer somehow knew that they could eat the whole damn farm

CHORUS

Then horror overwhelmed him as the ghostly pigs did eat
And fire spouted from their noses, curly tails and feet
Each animal was cooked alive, the barn was blown apart
A barbecue and masterpiece of culinary art

CHORUS

The hogs from hell ate through each corpse of horse and goat and sheep
And half a dozen roasted chickens vanished from the heap
When all meat they'd cooked was gone the pigs caused yet more strife
By turning hungry grins upon the farmer and his wife

CHORUS

The biggest of the spectral pigs let out a monster grunt
He headed for the farmer's wife and licked her on her...face
(Hey, sorry if I tricked you on that rhyme above; you see
Although a tale of demon pigs, this song is rated 'G')

CHORUS

And suddenly as they appeared the ghostly pigs were gone
The farmer was left standing in the wreckage of his barn
So heed this tale of sorrow and remember how it's milked
For nothing is so ludicrous that it cannot be filked!

CHORUS

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TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING



Words: Dave Weingart © 1995
Music: Zombie (Cranberries)

And another film has opened, let's go out and catch it
Lots of violence, screams, then silence, and I can't wait to watch it
They'll eat you, they'll eat me, eat your whole family
They're undead, they're undead, folks are crying
With their flesh and their bones and their bones and their skulls
They're undead, they're undead and they're fighting

CHORUS
     They're undead, they're undead
     Zombies, zombies, zombies-bies-bies
     They're undead, they're undead
     Zombies, zombies, zombies-bies-bies

And another sequel opens and I'm not quite so taken
Lots of violence, screams, then silence. I wish I was mistaken
It's the same old theme in films one through sixteen
They're undead, they're undead, they're still fighting
With their flesh and their bones and their bones and their skulls
They're undead, they're undead. Not done dying

CHORUS

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MARVIN THE ANDROID'S GHOST



Words: Dave Weingart, © 1993 (from an idea by Rafe Culpin)
Music: "Carmen Miranda's Ghost" (Leslie Fish)

Marvin the Android's ghost is haunting Station 42
Guess we must believe it 'cause the Vogon's see him too
And if you aren't sure it's him, denied his final rest
Explain why our computers are so horribly depressed

Don't go near the teleport when no-one else is there
You just might hear complaints of how the people just don't care
And if you see him parking spaceships right outside the door
Don't drop that gargleblaster, it will eat right through the floor!

We often try to cheer him up since we can't make him go
But he'll just sigh and in a ghostly voice he'll whisper low

Spoken: Here I am, brain the size of a planet and I have to haunt space stations. Afterlife....don't talk to me about afterlife

The Sirius Cybernetic's rep won't say what makes him tick
But offers us an upgrade that depresses twice as quick

We don't know why he's haunting here, why he won't go away
If we could but convince him that we don't want him to stay
We figure it's depression that has left his soul adrift
And pray some kind Dentrassi will just give ol' Marv a lift

Marvin the Android's ghost is haunting Station 42
Surely we're complaining, 'cause he's making us feel blue!
And now and then we wonder what it means for the galaxy
That ghosts of androids still are stuck with bummed-out GPPs!

Back to Table of Contents

VERY BAD COMPANY (FEEL LIKE DRINKING BLOOD)



Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: Feel Like Making Love (Bad Company)

Baby, when I think about you
I think about blood
And darling I'm gonna bite you
And drink your blood
And when I've drained those scarlet streams
From your opened veins
You will rise up from your coffin
On the third day

CHORUS
     Feel like drinking
     Well I feel like drinking blood
     Well I feel like drinking blood
     Well I feel like drinking blood
     Feel like drinking blood from you

Baby, when you think of dinner
You'll think about blood
And darling when you get thirstly
You'll want some blood
And you'll hide from sun and daylight
And be undying
And will hunt throughout the night for
Blood satisfying

CHORUS

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VAXYMANDIAS

(With apologies to the shade of Percy Bysshe Shelley)


Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: None ("Ozymandias" by Percey Bysshe Shelley)

I met a programmer for a mainframe brand
Who said -- "Two vast and commentless chunks of code
Stand on the system...near them, by demand
Half-junked, a shattered console lies, whose mode
And paper strips, that tear with each command
Tell that the sysop well those printouts read
Which yet archive, creeping through the token ring,
The RAM that blocked them, the memory that bled;
And on the monitor, these words appear:
'My name is VAXymandius, thing of pings,
Look on my logic, ye coders, and despair!'
No resource inside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal DEC, needing repair,
The lone and loaded drive just spins away."

Back to Table of Contents

DEMON STORM



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: David Weingart © 1999

Death comes down from the middle of the skies
And the white-hot sound out the corners of your eyes
Feel the heat go round as the fire-demon cries
And the world melts down
     And the body count rise

There's a hellfire rain in the middle of the night
From the house of pain to the garden of delight
And a choice too plain: will you die or will you fight?
In a world insane
     With no truth and no right

     Night is falling
     Dark enthralling
     Death is calling

Taste that fear, like the fury of the sun
Make it all too clear there isn't anywhere to run
And you disappear in the fire that's begun
And you hold that tear
     Until forever is done

Midight comes, you can hear the demons sing
As they pound that drum, feel your body start to ring
To the final sum of your own abandoning
A continuum
     Of the death that they bring

     Light is fleeing
     Eyes unseeing
     Now unbeing

Yield to doom and embrace your destiny
And yourself entomb in a world of anarchy
As the flames consume in a hell of brilliancy
And your role assume
     And their agent you'll be

     Demon-ridden
     Unforbidden
     Keep it hidden

Back to Table of Contents

HA! FOR THE DEATH OF TIME!



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: Steal My Sunshine (Len)

I was flitting like a bat one early evening of last week
Indulging in a little hunt
But you know we really aren't the rulers of the world we live in
We have to flee and fear the sun

Now every time it's daylight we are driven far away
It hurts us, keeps the humans safe
And so I swear to you, my friends, the ending of the sun
And we'll have a million drinks of blood

CHORUS
     I know it's up for them
     (If I steal their sunshine)
     We can rule the whole world of Men
     (If I steal their sunshine)
     Never fear the daylight again again
     (If I steal their sunshine)

Now the power that it takes to make the night go on forever
Isn't such an easy thing
And the daughter of a goddess it the one who makes it happen
So I swear that I'll get Tourmaline

Each moment that her heart beats is another beat of power
And I'll seduce her heart and soul
And then I will command her to reach out and blow out the sun
And we'll get a million drinks of blood

CHORUS

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NEVER SET THE WORLD ON FIRE



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: Never Set the Cat on Fire (Frank Hayes)

Never set the world on fire
You only will destroy it
And though you think it your desire
You will not long enjoy it
And also, please have nothing done
To moon or planets or the Sun
Never set the world on fire

CHORUS
     And bind your demons
     As Evil's powers you accquire
     And never set the world on fire

Don't open up the gates of Hell
Or trouble will be brewing
A flash of light and brimstone smell
Will see to your undoing
And though the world of Men you snub
Don't summon up Beelzebub
Don't open up the gates of Hell

CHORUS

Don't change the wording of a charm
No matter your intentions
It might be cause for some alarm
And crossing of dimensions
It surely would be out of place
To shatter all of Time and Space
Don't change the wording of a charm

CHORUS

Do not start up the Final War
For petty little uses
It is not worth the price paid for
The chaos it induces
When all the human race is dead
You'll wish you'd just played cards instead
Do not start up the Final War

CHORUS

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DECEIVER



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: David Weingart © 1999

I am born of ancient race
I travel free in Time and Space
You see a mask and not my face
I'm a liar

You don't know what I have planned
The power I hold in my hand
I seem to be a normal man
I'm a liar

     Call me demon, call me god
     Call me what you will
     I will hide my magic from you all
     I will walk among the people
     When the night is still
     Waiting for the moment and the call

Lord of all infinity
Secure in my divinity
Cloaked in anonymity
I'm a liar

Hiding, waiting for the day
When all this will be swept away
And I enact my Passion Play
I'm a liar

     Still you doubt and still you mock
     And still you don't believe
     Won't be shown that what I say is true
     Wonder as the time is passing
     Who do I deceive
     Have I fooled myself instead of you

(instrumental break)

     Once a demon, once a god
     Memories betray
     Don't know what I was or have become
     Ages pass and I, unchanging
     Watch them slip away
     Lost in timeless equilibrium

Lose myself in my disguise
Fear and longing in my eyes
And pain I cannot exorcise
I'm a liar

A victim of my vanity
Held in my insanity
Am I the ruler of humanity
Or a liar

(very slowly)

Cast off from an ancient race
A prisoner trapped in Time and Space
The mask has now become my face
I'm a liar

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SPACE CASES & SCIENCE LABS


(Songs of Space and Science)

A CAUTIONARY TALE



Words: David Weingart © 1985
Music: "Ship Titanic" (???)

Oh they built a mighty starship to sail the deeps of space
And they thought that they could spread the human race
But the ship was poorly planned. There was no way it could land
What a mess when the great ship went down

CHORUS
     What a mess! What a mess!
     What a mess when the great ship went down (in the gravity well)
     Husbands and wives, little children lost their lives
     What a mess when the great ship went down

Well they came into an orbit around a planet green
And the captain thought it was the nicest that he'd seen
But he cut his orbit low and the hull began to glow
What a mess when the great ship went down

CHORUS

Now the temperature was rising and the kids began to cry
And the first mate shouted, "We are gonna die!"
So they tried to orbit higher but the hull was all on fire
What a mess when the great ship went down

CHORUS

Oh the wreckage hit a jungle and so some bleeding hearts
Said that we should send a mission to bury the victim's parts
But the atom pile was hot so we let the corpses rot
What a mess when the great ship went down

CHORUS

Well this story's moral's plain as the nose that's on your face
It's to always wear a vacuum suit and stay away from space
Or you might end up destroyed by a wand'ring asteroid
What a mess when the great ship went down

CHORUS ad nauseum

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THE ENGINES ON THE SHIP



Words: David Weingart © 1994
Music: "The Wheels on the Bus" (traditional)

The engines on the ship go warp, warp, warp
Warp, warp, warp
Warp, warp, warp
The engines on the ship go warp, warp, warp all around the stars

The sensors on the ship look all around
All around
All around
The sensors on the ship look all around all around the stars

The captain on the ship goes "Make it so."
"Make it so."
"Make it so."
The captain on the ship goes "Make it so" all around the stars

The phasers on the ship go Zap! Zap! Zap!
Zap! Zap! Zap!
Zap! Zap! Zap!
The phasers on the ship go Zap! Zap! Zap! all around the stars

The Klingon on the ship goes "Shields are down."
"Shields are down."
"Shields are down."
The Klingon on the ship goes "Shields are down." all around the stars

The counselor on the ship goes "I sense pain."
"I sense pain."
"I sense pain."
"The counselor on the ship goes "I sense pain." all around the stars

The engines on the ship go warp, warp, warp
Warp, warp, warp
Warp, warp, warp
The engines on the ship go warp, warp, warp all around the stars

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THE GREATEST SET OF GLASSES THERE EVER WERE



Words: David Weingart © 1996
Music: The Other End of the Telescope (Aimee Mann)

Can you believe with all they spent
They couldn't get it right?
And make out things as tiny and
As distant as they'd like?
But in time, we won't even recall that cruel joke
How it looked like it was photo'd through smoke
Just as bad as peering through air
Those fuzzy pictures coming from there

CHORUS
     We know that nobody will take the blame
     But we're just glad that they fixed it, the same
     We'll see things off in the distance, we hope
     With the other lens
     With the other lens in the telescope

There was a time, not long ago
That Hubble could not see
And all the light were fuzzy
How could this be?
And in time, we could only correct what it saw
The stars could be seen with a few lenses more
And we hoped it would always be fine
And that we could use it anytime

CHORUS

BRIDGE
     There, there Hubble, now don't be deterred
     They skipped tests and your vision was blurred
     Our eyes are sore from all that squinting
     But we think you're working now
     And the cosmos is shrinking

Our vision is expanded
And the universe is ours
It cost some extra millions
But it pays of in the stars
It's so hard, and I think we we should really apalled
How they could pass it to NASA at all
When the defect was under their nose
But the questions never arose

FINAL CHORUS
     We know that nobody will take the blame
     But we're just glad that they fixed it, the same
     Now they've patched it and they know it can cope
     With a new pair of eyes and a heart full of hope
     Yes we'll see things off in the distance, we hope
     With the other lens
     With the other lens in the telescope

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THE HISTORY OF PHYSICS 101: THE ATOM



Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" (Traditional)

It used to be that atoms were just tiny little balls
They made up everything that was from rocks to waterfalls
They sat around forever, couldn't break apart at all
As physics marches on!

CHORUS
     Einstein, Rutherford and Newton
     Einstein, Rutherford and Newton
     Einstein, Rutherford and Newton
     As physics marches on!

The nucleus has neutrons, also protons, if you care
Encircled by electrons in their orbits where they lair
But quantum theory states they're only probably there
As physics marches on!

CHORUS

Now quarks are getting stranger and they have their ups and downs
To look the same sometimes they have to spin two times around
But they are where the flavor of the truth is to be found
As physics marches on!

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CREMAINS



Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: Spirit in the Sky (Norman Greenbaum)

When I die and my spirit is free
Gonna go where there's no gravity.
(I'll) get cremated when I die,
(And) gonna send my ashes to orbit in the sky.

CHORUS
     Gonna send my ashes to orbit in the sky.
     That's what I'm gonna do, when I die.
     When I die and my spirit is free,
     I'm gonna go where there's no gravity

Take your bod, and burn and compress
Get a little cube of ashes
Like Timmy Leary and Roddenberr-aye
You get to send your ashes to orbit in the sky.

CHORUS

Never will be buried, won't be embalmed
I'll just be turned to ashes
So you know that when I die,
NASA's gonna send me to orbit in the sky

CHORUS

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STARBOUND ESCAPE



Words: David Weingart © 1998
Music:- David Weingart © 1998

I wonder where you are tonight
I wonder what stars you see
I wonder which world you are on
And if you ever think of me

     For you could not bear to face me
     Like a child not yet grown
     You took your refuge deep in flight
     And left me here alone

I wonder how you are tonight
I wonder what you're thinking of
I wonder where you find yourself
Since you ran to escape our love

     For you couldn't bear to have them
     The things we think and feel
     And by running off to other stars
     Tried to make them that less real

I wonder where you'll sleep tonight
I wonder where you'll stay
I wonder which sun you will see
Come the dawning of the day

     The stardrive is your refuge
     From world to world you've flown
     Never daring then to look at me
     And see what might have grown

     You could not look me in the eye
     And tell me what you feel
     You hide yourself behind the sky
     From a world that's far to real

But still...

I wonder where you are tonight
I wonder what stars you see
I wonder which world you are on
And if you ever think of me
As I'm missing you do you ever think of me?

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DESTINY'S SHORE



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: David Weingart © 1999

On the edge of Destiny, a wide and welcome shore
Facing to Infinity, we go forevermore
     Tomorrow, she gleams
     With all of our hopes and our dreams
     Calling us in through her door

Sailing toward tomorrow in the ocean of the sky
Zeus' thunder borrow, and so outward then we fly
     The stars, our guiding flame
     They call to us, each one by name
     Beckoning to go where they lie

Reaching for Forever with the starlight in our souls
Bind ourselves together in the fire-echo's roll
     Dreams, wonder and flight
     And nevermore fear we the night
     Gladly we pay Future's toll

Follow Beauty's dreaming to Tomorrow's diamond gaze
Sun and moonlight beaming as Forever's Trail we blaze
     From sand on the shore
     To sky and then stars evermore
     Past reaching to future days

     Tomorrow, she gleams
     With all of our hopes and our dreams
     Calling us in through her door

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THE GIFT I WOULD GIVE



Words: Dave Weingart © 2000
Music: Dave Weingart © 2000

Lover, do not wait for me
I go off to infinity
To walk along eternity
     Untethered

No single world can be my home
My bed I'll make at where I roam
From starlit sky to salt sea foam
     Forever

The stars above, the earth below
Here you would stay, there I would go
To touch the sunbeam and to know
     The sky

A bright horizon shining through
This gift that I would give to you
To see the world the way I do
     And fly

BRIDGE
     On and out the galaxies
     Beyond the sky and floating free
     The stars will burn for you and me Ablaze within reality

     To walk within that wonderland
     The reach of heaven we command
     The planets, playthings in our hands
     We make them dance at our demand
     And you and I will shine

Your scent upon a far shore's air
The stars like diamonds in your hair
So many worlds that we can share
     Forever

So lover, come along with me
We'll go off to infinity
And walk along eternity
     Together

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GUIDING STAR



Words: David Weingart © 1993,2000
Music: David Weingart © 1993

Starlight, I see you in the night
Starlight, you're glowing, shining bright
And I know that you're calling me home

My ship sails the silent sea of space
My love lies waiting for me in another place
And I know that she's calling me home

The stardrive takes me out across the years
While my soul flies to a land of love and tears
Where I know that she's calling me home

BRIDGE
     Starlight, starlight
     Second star upon the right
     Pattern shining in my sight towards home

     Starlight, star bright
     Millionth star I see tonight
     Wish I may, wish I might be home

Starlight you have always been my friend
And you're with me now as my journey's at an end
Look on me and my love here at home
Shine on me and my love, I'm home

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MEN OF IRON, WOMEN OF STEEL



Words: David Weingart © 2000
Music: David Weingart © 2000

There's a man of iron, he stands alone
Set in diamond chips on a velvet robe
Woman of steel on that great wheel shown
Heart of fire and strength of stone
     The goddesses, demons and heroes of old that glitter above in my eye
     And they speak to me of the legends bold that teach me to reach for the sky
     (Oh! So high)

From darkling sky o'er a silent plain
Come men of iron with spear of flame
To walk the night in the people's name
And carve their steps in Diana's domain
     And so they wrest from the gray terrain the stuff of which legends are hewn
     And they walk the line between madness and pain and teach me to reach for the moon
     (Make it soon)

          Men of iron and women of steel
          Legends are born of the heart that they wield
          Through fire and lightning they never do yield
          And reach on for eternity
          (Oh, reach me)

Soaring onward and out of sight
Woman of steel with the dreams of flight
Reaching out for the boundless night
Soul of stardust and soul of light
     And their spirits live on in the black velvet sky, forever is not very far
     For the men of iron and women of steel who teach me to reach for the stars
     (And they are…)

Men of iron, women of steel
Men of iron, women of steel

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CARVING THE DAWN



Words: David Weingart © 2001
Music: David Weingart © 2001

Strapped in tight and outward bound
Blood is pumping, heart is pounding
I'm waiting here to fly
Thunder rolls and the dials turn
Down below I can feel the burn
And I'm going to the sky

CHORUS
     And the fire is carving the dawn
     And the rockets are singing their song
     And the stars are calling me on

Air so thin and the sky so clear
As I rise on up through the atmosphere
Riding on a tower of flame
Horizon curves and it falls away
Where the dark night fades to a brighter day
The High Frontier's mine to claim

CHORUS

     Dreaming of starlight and far flight to distant skies
     Wanting to be there, to see there, my spirit flies
     Into tomorrow, my sorrow left far behind
     Future is calling, free falling, and worlds I find

Jewel of sapphire down below
The place we're born, the place we grow
I feel that deep in my heart
But a hundred miles up above the ground
Blood is pumping, heart is pounding
I know that it's only a start


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WHEN I WAS A YOUNG FAN...


(Songs of Fandom)

DON'T BUY THAT BUTTON



Words: David Weingart © 1991, 1992
Music: "Don't Push That Button" (Duane Elms)

Now Freddie was a trufan; he liked to see and buy
Most everything that's in the Dealer's Room
His friends had often warned him, "Your habits just won't fly"
And forecast his impending fiscal doom
But if it was a button, a paperback or sword
Just like a magnet it attracted Fred
I wish I had a dime or (better still!) a dragon's horde
For every time his friends and colleagues said:

CHORUS
     Don't buy that button! Jeezus, Fred, don't buy that button!
     Use your head
     You know you can't afford it, you just don't have the cash
     If you can't pay your rent then you'll be tossed out with the trash
     Don't buy that button! Jeezus, Fred, don't buy that button!
     Use your head
     Your cash supply is finite like everybody knows
     Who knows how low your bank account will go?

Fred went to a convention; on Friday spent his dough.
A Western Union transfer was performed
His friends who were there with him swore not to let him go
And keep his urge for buying things suborned
But Bob went to the con suite and Wendy met her dad
And dear old trufan Freddie slipped away
And when the con was over the dealers all were glad
There wasn't anybody there to say

CHORUS

The dealer in the corner was scarcely to be seen
With boxes on the table, chair and ground
Our Freddie sidles over and gawks at what he sees
For buttons covered everything around
There's puns and math and science, he bought 'em all you see
In every shade from purple down to red
But when the month had ended, there was no joy to see
For this is what the bank computer said:

Spoken: Overdraft protection used up. Initiating bounce procedure for check 3...2...1...hahahahaha WIPEOUT!

(play a few bars of Wipeout)

Well it's been a year or two now since we last heard from Fred
And no one else has seen him at a con
We looked for him at Boston, New Orleans and the Hague
He's never seen at fannish goings-on
His old apartment's rented to some who can pay
Who isn't drowning deep in ink of red
Now some think that he'll pay off the debt he owes today
But me, I think we've seen the last of Fred

FINAL CHORUS
     He bought that button, that's our Fred, he bought that button
     Lost his head
     He didn't check his wallet, his bank account is beat
     He used up all his cash; that's why he's living in the street
     He bought that button, Lordy no! He bought that button.
     (That's the) way it goes
     He's past Chapter 11, in miles past his head
     I doubt the cons will evermore see Fred
     (but) The dealer's bottom lines will sure miss Fred

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DRIVING DOWN THROUGH NEW JERSEY



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "Rolling Down to Old Maul" (Traditional)

It's a damned long drive down I-95 from New York to Washington
And we don't give a damn how long it took just as long as the trip is done
There's no fun these days on the long highways that take you to D.C.
For the whole trip's bad but the worst time's had on the drive through New Jersey

CHORUS
     We're driving down through New Jersey, me boys
     Driving down through New Jersey
     We'll have no fun on the southward run
     Driving down through New Jersey

You'll start up north where the smell pours forth from refineries on both sides
And the traffic stops when the highway cops crawl along at 45
And then one lane's gone while you creep along through the foul and rancid air
You can bitch and moan at construction zones from The Meadowlands to Delaware

CHORUS

You just can't like how the Jersey Turnpike has a truck in every lane
And there's no fun on U.S. 1 -- all those lights will cause you pain
And you just can't say the Garden State Parkway is a driver's kind of treat
For you start to roll when another toll hits you every hundred feet

CHORUS

So convention-bound past the swampy ground and the factories and farms
Through all the toil and smell of oil and threats of bodily harm
There'll be more to come when the con is done (which I'll write another day)
To follow up this verse 'cause it gets much worse driving home the other way!

CHORUS

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FILK UP YOUR VOICES


- or -
Cacie, What Hast Thou Wrought?


Words: David Weingart © 1994
Music: "Drink Up The River" (Kathy Mar)

I was sitting at a filksing when this thought rang in my ear
There are a hundred thousand filksongs that we never seem to hear
They are the total sum of all I know, and all you know as well
And there are times that I will sing them all (at least I'll try like hell)
Some are ose and some are cheery, some are bound to cause you pain
Some are the ultimate result of too much Tully on the brain
But if you want to have a filksing until every song is done
You've got to filk up your voices until they're gone

CHORUS
     You've got to filk up your voices, you've got to filk up your voices
     You've got to filk up your voices until they're gone
     You've got to filk up your voices, you've got to filk up your voices
     You've got to filk up your voices until they're gone

And all thoughout fandom's history for times of peace and war
An overwhelming wave of filkers sing of Darkover and Gor
They did not ask for any budget, just a place where they could sing
And how they croaked and howled and giggled as they had their little fling!
But those songs are seldom sung now, and their lyrics put away
And we've forgotten it's the old songs that have brought us here today
O, our background is that flood, and we are bound to have some fun
If we can filk up our voices until they're gone

CHORUS

There are the songs about technology and songs of SCA
And if we're just to list the titles it would take us half a day
And for all the words to some of them, we'll need a lot of space
But we can sing them until morning and we're falling on our face
But we're tired of lugging lyrics and we're tired of some songs
And so we scream "Horsetamer's Daughter" is a hundred times too long
Readers Digest at a filksing...well the concept is all wrong
We've got to filk up our voices until they're gone

CHORUS

There are the filksongs of the undead who will not give up on life
There are the songs of high adventure and the songs of pain and strife
There are the filksongs of tomorrow, and the the songs of moon and sun
And there's a filker here who has the words to ev'ry single one
We can sing each single lyric, tho' it takes a day and night
All the filksongs that you've written and the ones you've yet to write
So sing out this final chorus as the night goes on and on
We're going to filk up our voices until they're gone

CHORUS

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FILKSONG JUNKIE



Words: David Weingart © 1994
Music: "Junk Food Junkie" (Larry Groce)

You know I love that orchestral music right to the last encore
And they call me "Mr. Opera" on down at the music store
I never buy Madonna, Phil Collins don't touch my ears
And my CD rack has nothing that was written in the past one hundred years
Ah, but when that week hits Friday, I sneak off to a con
Change into my beanie in room I'm crashing's john
I walk around the corner, take a look both left and right
Then I pull out a NESFA Hymnal and I sing into the night!

CHORUS
     For the weekdays I'm Mr. Cultural, just as highbrow as I can be
     But at cons I'm a filksong junkie. Great Ghu have pity on me!

Well at lunchtimes you can always find me at Antonio's Coffee Bar
Listening to a l'il Vivaldi and nibblin' on caviar
And eagerly discussing Mozart with Antonio himself
And talking bout the latest Yo-Yo Ma on his cafe's music shelf
Ah but when that clock strikes midnight and I'm off with the fen
I'm busy stealing lyrics with a paper and a pen
I'm all night in the circle. Never let my turn go by
And the dawn will come 'fore I ever let go of my genuine filksong high

CHORUS

My friends on down at the office they think I'm kinda weird
I don't know nothing 'bout rock 'n' roll or the latest hot type of bheer
And ev'ry time I'm at the opera I always follow with the score
I got an autographed picture of Jessye Norman that I carry in my car
Ah but lately I have been spotted humming "Lies" under my breath
With a copy of "Banned From Argo" lying face-up on my desk
I'm afraid some day they'll find me just stretched out on the floor
With a handful of Xenofilkias and my filk tapes by the door!

CHORUS (add "Yes at cons I'm a filksong junkie/Great Ghu have pity on me."

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SIXTEEN ZINES



Words: David Weingart © 1988
Music: "Sixteen Tons" (Merle Travis)

Some people say a fan could live off of drink
A 'zine fan lives off of paper and ink
Paper and ink and a mimeo
A mind that's weak but a strong cash flow

CHORUS
     You pub sixteen 'zines and what do you get?
     Another con older and deeper in debt
     Though I may never profit one thing I know
     I'd give my soul just to win a Hugo

I began one morning as a way to have fun
A few bad poems and a couple of puns
I pubbed 16 'zines, went deep in the hole
But the trufen said, "Ghu bless your soul."

CHORUS

If you see me pubbing better come and buy
A lot of fen didn't...a lot of fen cried
Hand me your money! The price is a steal!
And if this ish don't get you then the next one will

CHORUS

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SECOND THOUGHTS



Words: David Weingart © 1991,1996
Music: "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" (Brian Hyland)

She was afraid to come out of the Green Room
She was embarrassed what someone might see
She was afraid to come out of the Green Room
She didn't realize how small it would be

(two three four, tell the filkers what she wore)

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
That she wore for the con masquerade
An itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
So in the Green Room she's going to stay

(two three four stick around we'll tell you more)

She hid backstage all wrapped in the curtains
She didn't want anybody to know
She was afraid there was too much exposure
She didn't want all her flesh in the show

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
That she wore for the con masquerade
An itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
So hiding backstage she's going to stay

Now she's embarrassed to walk down the runway
She doesn't want all her parts on parade
And if she's this nervous just for the run-through
Wait 'til 8 and the main Masquerade!

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
That she wore for the con masquerade
An itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny leather/chain mail/lace bikini
So off the runway she's going to stay

From the Green Room to the curtains
From the curtains to the stage
From the stage she hears the cheering
Can't wait 'til the Masquerade!

Back to Table of Contents

NO FILKERS LAND



Words: David Weingart © 1994
Music: "No Man's Land" (Eric Bogle)

Well how do you do, filksingers, my friends?
Do you mind if I sit down and join you again?
I've been smoffing all day in the rooms at the con
And my brain is shut down and my voice nearly gone
I can tell at a glance that the filk has been keen
Singing loud as you can 'til your faces are green
And I just want to know if the songs have been clean
Or, filksingers all, were they sick and obscene?

CHORUS
     Did you sing the ose slowly, did you play guitars lowly?
     Did each one take your turn as the circle went 'round?
     Did each one of you join in the chorus?
     While the neos cried "Please do not bore us!"

And did you leave all semblance of harmony behind
As the new songs and parodies swept through your mind
And though you stay here without causing a scene
Is the hotel security bursting a spleen?
Or are you much stranger than they dare to say
As the circle goes round and the night turns to day
And the books full of lyrics induce you to stay
And sing till the final refrain fades away

CHORUS

But the Muse smiling now on the lovers of filk
That brought you together with those of your ilk
To filter away what the mundanes allow
No rock, no Madonna, no Garth Brooks here now
For outside the filksing, it's no filker's land
And the mundanes don't know how much more they can stand
For we don't even care if the lyrics have scanned
For a whole bunch of songs that were butchered and damned

CHORUS

And I can't help but wonder now, filksingers all
Do the mundanes know why we are here in this hall
Do you think they'd believe that we're here to have fun
Do you think they could watch without drawing a gun?
Well maybe it's so, they can tell we're all friends
Singing ever more flat, taking turns now and then
Or we'll sing "Banned From Argo" again and again
And again and again and again and again!

CHORUS

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LUCKY FAN



Words: David Weingart © 1982
Music: "Lucky Man" (Emerson, Lake and Palmer)

He had subscriptions and fanzines by the score
All on his bookshelves and piled on the floor

CHORUS
     Oooooh what a lucky fan he was
     Oooooh what a lucky fan he was

Posters and illos covered his wall
Each an original. He paid for them all

CHORUS

He went to a con as a fan tried and true
Drinking and filking until he turned blue

CHORUS

He died at a Worldcon like he wanted to do
Surrounded by trufen and some neos too

CHORUS

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IDIOT! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?



Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: S.S. Titanic

Oh they held an SF con in New Carrolton, MD
And they had some folks who were into B&D
And some New York City cop thought that he would be the top
It was wet when that sprinkler came down

CHORUS
     It was wet, it was wet
     It was wet when the sprinkler came down (Disclave '97!)
     (From) two drunken fen who were into S&M
     It was wet when the sprinkler came down

Oh his partner was tied up when they thought of something dumb
That they didn't have an anchor point to hang the bottom from
Who'd'a thunk they'd have the gall to use the sprinkler on the wall
It was wet when that sprinkler came down

CHORUS

And then so securley tied she was hoisted in the air
And it looked as though they didn't have a care
Until a lesson learned at length on a thing called tensile strength
It was wet when that sprinkler came down

CHORUS

With the water pouring forth the alarms were set to blaring
Over which you heard the sound of fandom swearing
For it woke us from deep REM just at 5:15 AM
It was wet when that sprinkler came down

CHORUS

Just as fast as you can see water washed out 303
Then it soaked and shut the elevators down
For they tend to go to sleep when the water's six feet deep
It was wet when that sprinkler came down

CHORUS

So when you find yourself in town and you feel like hanging 'round
Just remember Disclave '97's fate
Don't be tempted by the joys, fire sprinklers ain't sex toys
Don't be wet when that sprinkler comes down

CHORUS

Spoken: You can't make this stuff up!

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WHEN THE G.M. SMILES, IT'S TOO LATE



Words: Dave Weingart © 1997
Music: Sunflower (Paul Weller)

I don't care what spells you cast
You'll be dead before the melee's past
So toss the dice while you're still alive
One chance in ten that you might survive

Down dungeon halls you walked torch in hand
Right into the trap that the GM planned again
You met the orcs at the top of the stairs
Cast what you can; they try to run you through

But it misfires

CHORUS
     And you missed your roll
     And you missed your roll
     End of turn, it's time to burn
     And you missed your roll

You use all your power, try to cast it right
You've done OK so far, gaming half the night
One final spell that might just save your head
3 hit points left, you try to cast it

Back to Table of Contents

FILKING TIME



Words: David Weingart © 1998
Music: Closing Time (Semisonic)

Filking time, take out all of your songs and let them loose onto the world
Filking time, pass out all your lyrics sheets to every boy and every girl
Filking time, first time that you've done this one so hope that your writing is clear
Filking time, got no need for sleeping, you can just stay here

CHORUS
     I got one to followup your song
     I got one to followup your song
     I got one to followup your song
     Up your song

Filking time, time for you to come in from the parties you have been from
Filking time, this room won't be empty 'til the morning and your breakfast comes
So fiddle with the scansion, retune all your guitars, and sing along with your friends
Filking time, every song's beginning comes from some other filksong's end

CHORUS

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JUST A SMOF SHE SAID



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: Just A Girl She Said (Dubstar)

It's alright, I'm just a SMOF, she said
I will run cons until I am dead
And I think and I know
Fandom's a way of life after all
Work through the darkness and fall on my face
Pretend that disaster is all common place
You don't think, you don't know
You just don't really understand why
But I care what you say, and I care what you think
So please come to my con and I'll ply you with drinks
And you'll see the parties and you'll see the fanzines
And panels that you'll want to try

It's alright, I'm just a SMOF, she said
Bidding Worldcon, I'm sick in the head
Pubbing zines off machines
To convince presupporters to buy
And I care what you say, and I care what you think
So please come to my con and I'll ply you with drinks
And you'll see the parties and you'll see the fanzines
And panels that you'll want to try

I'm red in the eyes, I'm also surprised
To find that it's Sunday, the con really flies
Because I've had no sleeping or time of my own
And if I don't rest I may die

It's alright, I'm just a SMOF, she said
I will run cons until I am dead
And I think and I know
Fandom's a way of life after all
But I care what you say, and I care what you think
So please come to my con and I'll ply you with drinks
And you'll see the parties and you'll see the fanzines
And panels that you'll want to try

Just a SMOF she said....

Back to Table of Contents

CLOSER TO FAN



Words: Dave Weingart © 1999
Music: Closer to Fine (Indigo Girls)

I'm dying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe get you down in to the filksing Friday night
For the one thing that it's surely done for me
Is to take Mundania less seriously; Fandom's a Way of Life after all

When fandom has a hunger that's insatiable
The consuite has a call that's hard to beat
I pinned my buttons 'round me like a blanket
I filled a cup of Tully, then I drank it; I'm saying, "FIAWOL!"

CHORUS
     I went to the panels, I listened at the filksing
     I looked at the art show, I watched the roleplaying
     There's more than one program at conventions and I try each one I can
     And the further that my soul gets from mundanity, the closer I am to fan

I went to see a panel on high fantasy
With a lecture on the magic and the ways of royalty
It set me to thinking, I saw it like a movie
I threaded the plotlines, I felt the Muse work through me
I spent a year working on my novel, sold it to TOR for some nice fee

CHORUS

[whistle]

I went to the filk at 10 P.M.
To seek music and some caffeine and another fannish friend
I looked up, it was sunrise and my voice was hoarse and sore
Can't recall just when it ceased to be the night before
So I'll go again on Saturday

FINAL CHORUS
     I went to the panels, I listened to the filksing
     I looked at the art show, I watched the roleplaying
     I sit on the panels, I sing at the filksing
     I paint for the art show, I run the roleplaying
     We vote for the Hugos, we go to the consuite
     We read though all the novels, we dress up like Starfleet
     There's more than one person on a concom, and I chair each one I can
     And the further that my soul gets from mundanity
     The closer I am to fan
     The closer I am to fan
     The closer I am to fan

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THE FILKERS DANCE



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: The Mummers Dance (Loreena McKinnot)

When in the evening of the day, when the fen are at the con
And song and voice and instrument will greet the rising sun

The songs come with breathless wheeze by the red glow of the morn
And shadows of the fen appear though our voices long are gone

CHORUS
     We've been filking all the night and partway into day
     Now the evening comes again, we'll start the song again

Who comes down to the filking room and brings their lyrics there
And voices raise 'mid the shatter'd chords so that everyone can hear

The songs of fen seem to fill the halls while each guitarist plays
All their voices can be heard long past their better days

CHORUS

And so they raised their voices high, round the circle and the halls
And so the filking of the con concludes when songs are finished all

A hymnal thick we bring you here upon the music stand
Without a doubt we'll sing them out, the songs of many fans

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SINGIN' THE BOOZE


(Songs about Food And Drink)

A GEEK'S DRINKING SONG



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Black Powder and Alcohol" (Leslie Fish)

CHORUS
     Jolt Cola and alcohol
     When a hacker wants to drink at all
     Knocks your ass up against the wall
     Jolt Cola and alcohol.

Got the caffeine to the measure two
Plus the sugar that you want it to
Cola syrup flavored right by me
Keep your body diet-soda free
Caramel coloring and lots of fizz
Sweetest drinking that there ever is!

CHORUS

Gimme vodka, maybe give me gin
Gimme rum so I can put it in
Mix it up although it tastes like swill
If you can't cool it, then an ice cube will.
Drink the the alcohol away and then
You get the Jolt and booze and start again!

CHORUS

This'll clean your guts or strip your car
You can drink it anywhere you are.
You can hack all night and sure feel swell
(Though in the morning you will feel like hell.)
You can drink 'em if you just know how
So geeks, remember what I'm telling you now.

CHORUS (2x)

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LULLABY FOR A BHEERY FAN



Words: David Weingart © 1988
Music: "Lullaby For a Weary World" (T. J. Burnside)

I wonder how much alcohol can course within my bloodstream
Drink, my bheery fan
And I'm scared of how much I can drink
And just how soon I may fall down
But I wish another Heinekin was here within my hand

I finished half a case of Bud and then a six of Molson
Drink, my bheery fan
And the bottles of the Guinnesses
Are scattered on the hotel floor
As the rising tide of drunkenness just ebbs and flows again

CHORUS
     Oh...Pass me a cold one to kill my bleary world
     Give me a Samuel Smith's to drop me into sleeping
     My Fosters' cold enough to make me get a migraine, and
     Hand me a Mackeson so dark and fine
     So I can put this bheery fan to sleep

Will someone pass a Harp or Bass; A Moosehead or a Miller?
Drink, my bheery fan
And though my gut may writhe and churn I'll kill another Grolsch or 3
Until my brain is all congealed and I can feel no pain

CHORUS

BRIDGE
     And if the beer keg I can tap I'll hold it that much closer
     And drink my fill of ethyl 'til I'm lying on the floor
     And if my liver I can't kill I'll grab another lager
     And I will not let it go, no, I'll never let it go

And when the beer is all choked down I'll stumble into darkness
Sleep, my bheery fan
And pray that when the morning comes the hotel room is dark and still
And grant my budding hangover will pass on speedily

And may God keep this hangover so far away from me!

CHORUS

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RELAX, DON'T WORRY, HAVE A HOMEBREW



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Pioneer's Song" (Jordin Kare)

We started on out on a pub crawl to bars that we did not know
Where pale beers dared not venture was where we liked to go
Though they have a thousand bottles, one thing was our fear
That we would not find a thing so good as a mug full of homebrew beer!

We set our course for Mulligan's, a little Irish bar
Our designated driver took us all there in his car
Their selection was extensive, but still it gave no cheer
For there's not a one that could compare to a mug full of homebrew beer!

Then on and out to Sara's, a strip club in disguise
And through a haze of smoke and noise we watched the dancer's thighs
We tried each brew they offered but one thing still was clear
That the scenery could not compare to a mug full of homebrew beer!

The night grows dim behind us: an hundred beers or more
And bars are e'er before us: a glittering brew-filled shore
An age may pass before a day the right one pulls us near
And 'til that day we'll drink a toast with a mug full of homebrew beer!

But should we someday find it as the city streets we roam
We'll gather all to this mighty pub and make of it our home
And carry our wallets to it. By patronage make clear
That the stuff they serve can satisfy like a mug full of homebrew beer!

And if you choose to follow to the places we have been
Just take the path we've marked for you and hit the bars we've seen
Past Mulligan's and Sara's, to the One True Bar you'll steer
And we pray the gods grant you 'til then a mug full of homebrew beer!

Aye, we pray the gods grant you 'til then a mug full of homebrew beer!

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THE BRAIN DEAD BUNCH



Words: David Weingart © 1996
Music: The "Brady Bunch" Theme

Here's the story of a drunken lady
Who was driving with three very drunken girls
Each of them was just as stoned as the others
As down the roads they whirled

Here's the story of a man quite hazy
Who had been out for a few beers of his own
There were four men drinking all together
And they were driving home

At the corner where the lady met the fella
Well, they met up with much more than a crunch
And you know none of them were wearing seatbelts
That's the way they all became the brain-dead bunch

The brain-dead bunch, the brain-dead bunch
That's the way they became the brain-dead bunch

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LEFTOVER HELL



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: My Bonnie (traditional)

On Thursday was Thanksgiving turkey
On Friday, a turkey souflée
On Saturday, turkey on wheat bread
Now how shall I serve it today

CHORUS
     Big meal, big meal
     I made too much food for my family
     Big meal, big meal
     Two pounds per head seemed right to me

On Sunday, I had turkey salad
And Monday was turkey pot pie
For Tuesday, some turkey au gratin
With turkey compote on the side

CHORUS (but sing "five pounds...")

Now Wednesday was southern-fried turkey
And Thursday was turkey in beer
I've got enough leftover turkey
To last 'til Thanksgiving next year

CHORUS (but sing "ten pounds...")

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STUFF WHAT HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE


(Songs That Don't Fit Anywhere Else)

L.A., APRIL 30, 1992



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "Daddy's Little Girl" (Julia Ecklar)

The video shows horror on an evening in the spring
"Not guilty!" says the jury from thin air.
The mob cries out "Injustice!" in the anger that they bring
And cannot seem to find peace anywhere
A spark of white-hot anger, a banner is unfurled
And in their mindless fury they will try to burn their world

     Fire! Fire! Fire! In the storefronts of L.A.
     Fire! Fire! Fire! Turns the night as bright as day
     It seems they have learned nothing of what the world has been
     Loot and riot, just as in the past
     The toll in pain and blood grows much too fast

Rioters are running with rage and minds a-flame
Charging through the streets in nightmare herds
Just looting, burning, killing for their anger and their pain
The cause of this cannot be just two words
They strike out at those blameless with a hornet's deadly sting
And though this mob is aimless, you can see the death they bring.

     They bring fire! Fire! Fire! They are monsters in the night
     Fire! Fire! Fire! Cuts the dark with hellish light.
     Burning stores and burning cars, must they burn all they see?
     Riot and the fire are close friends
     And once it starts it never seems to end.

Four days are spend in violence, what's lost is not regained
Burn your home before the eye can see.
For something has gone wrong and they are full of mindless rage
Locked within a cage of poverty
Is there nothing that they live for? Is there nothing we have learned?
Will they loot and torch and murder
'Til there's nothing left to burn?

     Fire! Fire! Fire! Burns the city in the night
     Fire! Fire! Fire! It will never be alright
     Destroying stores and families like vengeful vicious gods
     It is yourselves you burn, you silly fools
     But riot-starters play by no-one's rules

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MINUS TEN AND FREEZING


(being a song about the arctic winter of 1989-1990)


Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: "Minus Ten and Counting" (Leslie Fish)

It's minus ten; I'm freezing and soon I must go in
The icicles are hanging from my nose and from my chin
And ev'ry time I breathe another cube begins to form
It's minus ten; I'm freezing and I wish that I were warm

CHORUS
     It's minus ten; I'm freezing! Degrees are dropping fast
     It's minus ten; I'm freezing. How much longer can I last?

It's minus; I'm freezing and my earlobes and my nose
Have lost all sense of feeling like my fingers and my toes
Will they thaw out once I'm back inside or will they just fall off?
It's minus ten; I'm freezing and I'm starting to sneeze and cough

CHORUS

It's minus ten; I'm freezing even though I am inside
The oil companies have raised their prices to the sky
And I can't afford to raise the heat or hope to clear my head
It's minus ten; I'm freezing as I huddle here in bed

CHORUS

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PIRATE FLAG RISING



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Bad Moon Rising" (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

I see the pirate flag rising, I see trouble on the way
Check out that ship on the horizon, I think we'd better start to pray

CHORUS
     Don't get caught tonight, for they're bound to take our lives
     There are pirates on the rise

I see that skull and crossbones flowing, I think our end is coming soon
I see those cutlasses a-glowing, I hear the cannons going BOOM!

CHORUS

Let's try and get those guns together, I just am not prepared to die
Fighting for all our lives together, there are pirates on the rise

CHORUS

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POLITICAL SCIENCE 101: How Bills Get Passed



Words: Dave Weingart © 1994
Music: The Green Grass Grows All Around (trad?)

There was a dome
A pretty little dome
The prettiest dome that you ever did see
And the dome was on the Hill and the Hill was on the ground

CHORUS
     And the pork gets spread all around, all around
     And the pork gets spread all around

And in this dome
There was a House
The prettiest House that you ever did see
And the House was in the dome
And the dome was on the Hill and the Hill was on the ground

CHORUS

And in this House
There was a floor
The prettiest floor that you ever did see
And the floor was in the House
And the House was in the dome
And the dome was on the Hill and the Hill was on the ground

CHORUS

And on this floor
There was a bill
The prettiest bill that you ever did see
And the bill was on the floor
And the floor was in the House
And the House was in the dome
And the dome was on the Hill and the Hill was on the ground

CHORUS

And on this bill
There was some pork
The prettiest pork that you ever did see
And the road was on the bill
And the contract was on the bill
And the park was on the bill
Amd the bridge was on the bill
And the airport was on the bull
And the base was on the bill
(add your own local pork-barrel projects as desired)
And the bill was on the floor
And the floor was in the House
And the House was in the dome
And the dome was on the Hill and the Hill was on the ground

CHORUS

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THE SACKING OF THE SLOOP JOHN B.



Words: David Weingart © 1993
Music: "Sloop John B." (???)

We boarded the sloop John B. My crewmembers and me
As 'round Nassau town it did roam
It took half the night because they knew how to fight
('Cept that one kid whining "I wanna go home!")

CHORUS
     So cut down the John B. sails
     See how the main sail falls
     Kill everbody on board and plunder away
     Take their gold and their drink
     Before we scuttle and sink
     Oh, the sloop she'll break up, ere end of the day

My crew of pirate skunks broke into peoples' trunks
And forced them as slaves to haul the booty away
Jewelry and stones and all the cash that they owned
All their things of value, we took for our own

CHORUS

No doubt about it, we're bloodthirsty buccaneers
We tied them up and sank their ship like a stone
Down to their new home. Rooming with Davey Jones
This is the last trip they'll ever be on

CHORUS

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4 A.M.





Words: Dave Weingart © 1994
Music: Dave Weingart © 1994

Everybody travels down the road that lies ahead
For some the way is straight and smooth from birth until they're dead
For others jagged rocks and stones lie scattered in their way
For most of us it's some of both and it changes every day

I'm walking down that road ahead with voices in my ear
The voices cry in triumph and the voices cry in fear
There's one like mine that's scared inside while trying to be strong
I reach out to it, grab that hand and together we move along

CHORUS
     Oh my friend the pain you feel you will not bear alone
     You know that I am there beside you among those shattered stones
     And if your feet betray you then I'll catch you as you fall
     And down that road of life we walk supporting each other, free and tall

Onward down the road together the two are side by side
Taking turns at being strong in darkness and in light
For the strength of two together is beyond the strength of one
Walking forward, hand in hand, and the journey has just begun

CHORUS

So you who journey down that road on to the very end
You grab that hand that reaches out, you grab on to a friend
For the pain you share is lessened and the joy you share is more
Walking side by side and stronger than you ever were before

CHORUS

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WHY I HATE TO SHOP



Words: David Weingart © 1996
Music: "Wonderwall" (Noel Gallagher)

Today is gonna be the day
That I gotta buy a gift for you
Right now I'm cringing at how
I'll go throught what I've got to do
I don't believe that everybody goes the way I do and does it now

No treat, the traffic on the street
Means I've got an hour wait or more
Nerves fray, it's half of my day
'Til I've even gotten to the store
I don't believe that anything could be as bad traffic is here now

CHORUS
     And all the horns in all the cars are blaring
     And all the drivers in the cars are swearing
     There are many things that I would rather do right now
     But I can't go 'round
     And maybe
     This place is gonna drive me crazy
     'Cause after all
     It's a shopping mall

Today was wasted away
At a couple dozen stores for you
So fine, I'm waiting on line
For my charge card to just go through
I don't believe that everyone will leave the way I do and do it now

CHORUS

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PIKACHU, I SEE YOU



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: Rocket Man (Elton John)

I call on Pikachu and Mewtwo
Trainer battle, 9 AM
And the Blastoise washes away the both of them
And when the Bulbasaur has lost the fight
I catch it in a PokéBall
And I let the PokéDex tell about them all

CHORUS
     And I think it's gonna take a long, long time
     Until all hundred fifty I can find
     I'm not a Master yet, and so I roam
     Oh wo wo wo
     Catching Pokémon
     Pokémon
     Geodude or Ghastly, Flareon

Now Jigglypuff will sing you into dreams
And Charizard's fire's hot as Hell
And the Spearow dives down from on the wing
Just where they come from, I don't understand
Just know I got to catch 'em all
The Pokémon, Pokémon

CHORUS

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THE MASTURBATION TANGO



Words: David Weingart © 1999
Music: The Masochism Tango (Tom Lehrer)
Winner: Concertino 1999 "Do It Yourself" Song Contest

You ache for the touch of another
But you don't have a now-current lover
Do it yourself, with nobody else
As you gasp to the Masturbation Tango

Oh, the things you can do with your fingers
Like they showed last week on Jerry Springer
Just shut your eyes and reach for the thighs
As you gasp to the Masturbation Tango

     As you demand, lie down or sit or stand
     With matters well in hand
     Do what you wish to do
     You are not bound. You're free to play around
     Be silent or make sound
     No-one does it like you do

You smile as you follow your wishes
And you wriggle on out of your britches
A handful of fun, then you find that you're done
As you gasp to the Masturbation Tango

          And as for "toys," I am willing to bet, love
          That you've not tried them yet, love
          You may think that they're fun
          And there's also the books over there on the shelf, love
          Quite inspiring for self-love
          Try them out, see what comes

My friend deals with sensitive issues
The last time, she needed twenty tissues
To clean up the mess that she left on her dress
As she gasped to the Masturbation Tango

     Just use your head until your face is red
     And just as Shakespeare said,
     "Aye, there's the rub," my dear
     Like other folk the fires you can stoke
     Your "ego" you can stroke
     And smile from ear to ear

Let your fingers do all the walking
You don't have to deal with your lover talking
No need to share the wealth
As you do it to yourself
And you gasp to the Mastur- (bum bum bum)
-Bation Tango

No lay!*


*Thanks to Mike Browne for this!

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THE BATTLE



Words: David Weingart © 2000
Music: David Weingart © 2000
Inspired by Iron Chef

Spoken intro: Attend me, gentles all! I speak to you now of a land distant from our own, a land where two will fight for their honor in the arena, where a quick blade and a quick wit are all that stand between victory and defeat.

Two men face off across the field
One must win and the other yield
Razor knives shining in the light
The judges wait to decide the fight
     And the contest starts, they begin the game
     For honor, glory, self and fame
But who will win at the final breath
The challenger, or Iron Chef?

Each man swears he will win the prize
Sweat on his brow, but no fear in his eyes
The Chairman tells them what they will use
The theme by which they win or lose
     And the sweat pours down in the smoke and flame
     As each runs forth to defend his name
Wielding knives that cut into bone and flesh
The challenger and the Iron Chef

     Each man takes what he thinks he needs
     And what he feels that will do the deed

Time is past and the battle done
Now to find who has lost or won
Through fire and heat they have kept their cool
Confident in their skill and tools
     And now their fate lies with those who will
     Judge them both for their speed and skill
Who is greater and who the less?
The challenger or the Iron Chef?

Spoken: Whose cuisine reigns supreme?

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DREAM RIDER



Words: David Weingart © 2000
Music: David Weingart © 2000
Winner: Conterpoint 2000 "Looking Forward, Looking Back" Song Contest

All my life wanting to go out into my dreams
Magic and science mathemystical machine
Power and silicon and gesture and rhyme
Close in and close my eyes and step outside of time
     Past future clear to me as I look on the Earth
Eyes wide and gaze upon the planet of my birth

All time an open book, the future is the past
All circles are complete, the first becomes the last
All lives are mine to see, from enemy to friend
All of the world I own, the start is now the end
     Riding the skies above and higher to climb
Looking for what is on the ocean waves of Time

     Lives are tossed and lives are lost and empires rise and fall
     Striving, flying, people try to rise above it all
     World is turning, fires burning, all within my view
     Living, dead, well starved well fed and Man walks on the Moon.
     Pain and war, and search, explore, we grasp it from afar
     All descend from trees, unbend, and and walk among the stars

Seeing before and since, my eyes are open wide
Leaving the inner world to walk the far outside
All of our history, the glory and the joy
Using our power to create and to destroy
     What does the future show, will you follow me?
Onward forever, riding outward on our dreams

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COGNITIVE DISSONANCE



Words: David Weingart © 2001
Music: David Weingart © 2001

I woke in the morning, there was someone else in your place
Another pair of eyes looking out at me from inside your face
You try to pretend nothing's changed but I know it's a lie
Because I see the way that you stare out to the night sky

CHORUS
     Doppelganger, double vision
     Holding on to indecision
     You are haunting me
     Far beyond and calling danger
     So familiar, total stranger
     You are taunting me

What is it I see when I gaze into your eyes?
Instead of seeing you I see the wild and starry skies
Where is it you come from, what place is it that you call home?
Tell me what you want and how is it you came here to roam

CHORUS

I know the time will come that you reveal your hand
And maybe when it happens I will understand
But I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want
I don't know where you're from or where it is my lover's gone

CHORUS

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SUNLIGHT AND SEA



Words: David Weingart © 1997
Music: David Weingart © 1997

CHORUS
     I follow the sunlight, I follow the sea
     I walk in the footsteps of what's yet to be
     I follow the moonlight, I follow the wind
     I walk in the footsteps of what's never been

The laughter of lovers in the silence of night
The mystery cast by Diana's fair light
The stars looking down from the darkness above
The shadows of sadness, the brightness of love

The fire of Apollo is the bright light of day
The arms and the lips that would beg me to stay
The shadow in daylight, the cloud in the sky
The fire of passion, a sweet lover's sigh

CHORUS

A promise that starts with the rise of the sun
A new day is forming, a new life begun
To sweetness and comfort in the still air of night
Look back and look forward to joy and delight

Sweet laughter be music by night and by day
Sweet lover be partner on mystery's way
So hold fast my hand and whatever shall be
Be lovers forever and come now with me

FINAL CHORUS
     And we'll follow the sunlight, we'll follow the sea
     We'll walk in the footsteps of what's yet to be
     We'll follow the moonlight, we'll follow the wind
     We'll walk in the footsteps of what's never been

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THE FUTURE ISN'T...



Words: David Weingart © 2001
Music: David Weingart © 2001

When I was a young boy, they promised that I'd see
Things here in my future and they never came to be
The lies the grownups told me about the future that would be
And the things they said I'd have here and the sights that at I would see

(Where is my)

Heavily polluted landscape
Where the things have turned for worst
Where to breathe the air will kill you
If the water doesn't first
Where the crops are dead and twisted
From the poisons that we cast
And nature is a word from out the past

(Where is my)

Global conflagration
With the warheads all around
Where the fallout has us hiding
In a tunnel in the ground
For centures 'til sunlight
Has become a whispered word
And the thunder and the wind are never heard

(Where is my)

Alien invasion
That the humans cannot beat
Where the cities of our parents
Lie in ruins at our feet
And the world that they have conquered
Never could be our home
For the life that was extinguished was our own

No, the future they predicted
In the springtime of my years
Where the home of Man is wasted
In a storm of fire and tears
I will say this to the young ones
In a song or in a letter
The future isn't what it was, it's better

Yes, the future isn't what it was, it's better

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THE SMILE IN YOUR EYES



Words: David Weingart © 2001
Music: David Weingart © 2001

Once lover, now a friend at heart
A second chance, a second start
I can't regret it, and I won't apologize
And I will not forget it, the smile in your eyes

What is it here that makes you scared?
You wonder why it is I care
(Just) Don't ever doubt it while the sun is in the sky
I can read all about it in the smile in your eyes

     I don't stop to wonder what connects us, you and me
     Wild as the thunder, vaster than the rolling sea
     Still there's something special which I can't and don't deny
     I feel it in the laughter and the smile in your eyes

You stand there silent and amazed
And understand me when I say
That a friend who will hold you is a pearl beyond all price
For the things they have told you and the smile in their eyes

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STOP THE SHOW, I WANT TO GET OFF!


(Show Stoppers and Miscellaneous Short Bits)

SHOW STOPPER #37B



Words: David Weingart © 1982
Music: Air Force Song

Off we go, into the wild blue yonder
Flying high, into the sun!
Spoken: Sizzle!

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THE PROGRAMMER'S BREAKFAST CHANT



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: Dona Nobis Pacem (traditional)

Doughnuts, nachos, pizza pizza
Doughnuts, nachos, pizza

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STAR FLEET'S REDSHIRTS



Words: David Weingart © 1986
Music: The old "Armour Hot Dog" commercial

Red shirts
Star Fleet's red shirts
What happens to the one's in red shirts?
Phasered, blasted, beat upon with sticks!
Blown up, wiped out, even zapped by magic tricks!
They`re red shirts
Star Fleet's dead shirts
The one's who always die!

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E.T.'s SONG



Words: David Weingart © 1984
Music: Show Me The Way To Go Home (?)

Show me the way to phone home
I'm dying and I want to get away
Oh, I had some Reese's Pieces&153; 'bout an hour ago
And a six pack the other day
Whatever I make roam
A bicycle, clay or clone
You can barely hear me croaking these words
Show me the way to phone home

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BORED WITH ARGO



Words: David Weingart © 1988
Music: Banned From Argo (chorus) (Leslie Fish)

And I'm bored with "Argo" everyone
Bored with "Argo" so this parody is done

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SOYLENT GREEN



Words: David Weingart © 1981
Music: Silent Night (traditional.)

Soylent Green
Tasty Green
Strangest food you've ever seen
Little crackers for you and me
Made from friends and neighbors
Made from neighbors and friends

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I DON'T KNOW



Words: David Weingart © 1989
Music: Norwegian Wood (sort of) (The Beatles)

I
Don't know the words
To this song
So it is done

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IMPASSE



Words: David Weingart © 1989
Music: I'm Getting Married in the Morning

We're at an impasse at this filksing
Nobody knows just what to do
I have no idea! So I will stop here.

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EXXON-VALDEEZ



Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: "Signy Mallory" (Leslie Fish)

Captain Joseph Hazelwood has no ship, they say
The "Exxon Valdeez" captain has spilled his oil away
He ran his tanker into land and spilled out petrol blight
Captain Joseph Hazelwood, he drank his fill last night!

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THREE FRIED MICE



Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: Three Blind Mice (traditional.)

Three fried mice. Three fried mice.
See how they burn. See how they burn.
They all ran into the power shed
And shorted the lines with their tails and heads
They sparked and they smoked until they were dead
Those three fried mice

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I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE CON TO SING


(A Round)


Words: David Weingart © 1981
Music: I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing (an old Coca Cola ad)

I'd like to teach the con to sing in fannish harmony
Without a trace of tune or pitch and no two fen in key

I'd like to teach the con to sing a song strange as can be
With words that do not fit the tune: Come on, join in with me!

That's the way to filk at the top of your voice
You just make lots of noise. That's the way to filk

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THE VERY SMALL ARACHNID



Words: Dave Weingart © 1991
Music: Itsy-Bitsy Spider

The very small arachnid climbed up the drainage system
Precipitation occurred and the arachnid was removed
The clouds went away and the water evaporated
And the very small arachnid reclimbed the drainage system

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CODA



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: "Lola" (The Kinks)

You're sitting at a filk and you start a song
But you don't know it too long
So you take it straight to the coda

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DEPRESSING



Words: David Weingart © 1990
Music: Maria (from West Side Story)

Depressing! This filksing is getting depressing
I wonder just how low the vein in which we sing will go
Depressing! This filksing is much too depressing
The circle's getting ose. We've had a double dose just now!
Depressing! Why can we all sing something cheery
Instead of all dark and eerie?
Depressing! The dark songs are much too depressing!

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BLOWIN' ON THE HILL



Words: David Weingart © 1998
Music: Blowin' in the Wind (Bob Dylan)

How many thongs must an intern put on
Before she can jump on the Prez?
How many times will she kneel, do you know,
Under the big wooden desk?
How many times must she wash all her clothes
And still have the stains on her dress?
The answer, my friend
Is blowin' on the Hill
The answer is blowin' on the Hill

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THE ATOM'S FAMILY



Words: David Weingart © 1998
Music: The Addam's Family TV Theme

They're protons and electrons
Neutrons, quarks and gluons
Positrons and neutrons
The atom's family

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THE BRIDE OF CHANUR



Words: David Weingart © 1992
Music: The Pride of Chanur (Leslie Fish)

Her finger is gleaming with a ring of bright gold
Her dress is as white as the new-fallen snow
As she stands at the altar with her chosen mate
She hopes the reception will not run too late
To think it all started with one quick blind date
Now she is the Bride of Chanur

She is the Bride of Chanur
Just got a perm in her fur
Her bridesmaids are pretty
In each matching dress
But she is the Bride of Chanur

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Copyright © 1995-2003 David Weingart

The Little Engine That Philosophized: "I think I am! I think I am! I think I am!"

Last updated: 10 September 2003